On Saturday, I let my emotions just spin out of control. I went wayyyy out there, folks. J was out of town, so I was left all alone with my infertile thoughts, hormones, and the internet–a deadly combination.
It started with Pinterest. I was looking around and saw that my little sister (the one who got pregnant without even trying) had pinned an eCard bitching about how pregnancy makes you so tired. She also pinned a list of books that help your child adjust to being an older sibling. Ohmygoodness, my sister must be pregnant again. This led me to scrutinize recent Facebook pictures of her and staring at her stomach. One of my sisters was visiting her, so I sent a text message saying, “What are you guys doing, getting drunk?” in an effort to see if they were, by chance, drinking at 3:00 in the afternoon, proving that she was not pregnant. I became desperate to know if my sister had lapped me and stewed in how awful that would feel.
Then I thought about my other friend who’s baby is about to turn 1. She’s the one who is trying for baby #2 and after three months of no luck, told me, “It’s soooo disappointing, you know?” Ummm, yes, I do know, in fact. And you know that I know. Why are you saying these words to me? So my despair grew as I thought about how I just don’t want to be pregnant with her at the same time. I don’t want to swap pregnancy symptoms with her or have her give me advice or talk to me like I’m a newbie and she’s the expert. I DON’T WANNA!!!!!! I guess I want my moment in the sun. And it would be awful if she got pregnant before me, so it feels like pressure to get pregnant already.
Those things sound juvenile, I know. But when I started this blog, I decided I would be very honest with everything. That’s how I felt. One of the hardest parts of infertility for me has been dealing with negative emotions, especially those towards others, and my relationships with pregnant friends and new mothers.
I tried to find my infertility self-help book so I could quickly self-help myself back to (somewhat) normal state, but it was nowhere to be found. I felt like an addict in desperate need of a fix.
When J finally arrived home, I greeted him with a hug and a kiss, and then released all of my worries and anxieties and angry thoughts at him. I realized that not having friends I talk to you in person means he is my only outlet, and that can’t be easy. My mood was improved when we went and ate amazing Mexican food. Give me an awesome taco, and I can remember that things are going to be okay.
So now I’m here at 6 dpo with nothing to else to report! Just trying to stay emotionally stable. Where are you all right now–in the TWW? Infertility treatments? Just hanging out?
And because I can’t say “addict” without thinking of Whitney Houston, I’ll share one of my favorite songs with you all. I used to sing this as a kid and paid no attention to the fact she was singing about being a floozy. Whitney, I will always love you.